Lights In Stuff

So it’s that time of year again.

The bratwurst are cooking, the body paint is out, and we all remember the old by gathering around our television sets just like when grandpa would tell us stories of cowboys and Indians and then him and grandma would break into a choreographed dance sequence to Balliwood music while accompanied by curiously thin back up dancers with obnoxiously large bosoms halfway through and finish with your neighbor dousing him with ice cold Gatorade. Right?

Okay, that was not my youth as my family cannot dance to Balliwood, but the way we treat the superbowl (lowercase for a reason) seems like it has been handed from generation to generation on the backs of our brethren as we earn honor for our states by winning a fucking football game.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a sports big sports fan. I don’t buy Madden every year (NFL Blitz was better) and basketball isn’t that awesome (NBA Jam excluded). World Cup is neater as I can watch soccer (while channel surfing) but it is easier for me to take that sport more serious when, I dunno, that it has been internationally recognized for ages kinda has some weight to it.

Football isn’t that interesting. I don’t care how many whores in skirts with big titties that worked at hooters cheerleaders you have. Not that I don’t approve, it’s that if someone is gonna wear that outfit, it better be in my bed. No disrespect George Carlin,

But there is one flaw in your argument: They are wearing tights. That’s it, do not pass go, collect $200. Did I mention the fact it looks like someone is eating out the quarterback while giving him a reach around. At least that’s how it looks, I’m not judging, I’m just saying. Your whole macho world shakes beneath you. “I see where you are going with this and you have nothing!” is what you are thinking. If you are gonna be a macho tough dude, just realize you are watching a bunch of guys in spandex protecting their balls.

Back to the point, the respect paid to the superbowl is unlike anything, anywhere else (Olympics included). When was the last time your dad showed up at your child sports game wearing your team colors painted on his body.

Not your Dad.

Thought so. Realize your family is only willing to sacrifice their dignity for a team that absolutely has no clue who they are, not you. Not saying you would want your mom showing up in body paint, just saying the thought would be nice.

If thats your mom...

How often does your family come over. When was the last time you saw those fatties, Thanksgiving, right? Did they show up at your b-day party? Did they give you any gifts? The bulk of your family and your friends only love your big ass high def TV for the superbowl, not so you can play MGS4 in 1080p but to watch that crap. Remember that so you can invite them over for some Wii Sports those fucking chuds.

Just want some insight into team. Now it makes sense to say to yourself, “Self, I’m a new Yorker, I’m gonna be a Giants Fan.” It does NOT make sense to go “Self, I’m a New Yorker and I’m going to be Chicago Bears Fan.” It doesn’t float. Did you show up during World War 2 and say, Japan is so taking it this year, or Hitler is gonna get England, WOOT! Now even though we would have liked to see that, does not mean it’s acceptable. It just shows poor parenting, and shitty offspring. When your parents are fighting, you do not root for the door knob. Pick a side, stay loyal, just for the love of god make sure it has some connection to you.

One thing I always wondered about was the halftime show. Not so much the halftime break, as standing in groups of sweaty dirty men can be exhausting, but rather the need to put on a spectacle during the break. In regular TV we have commercials and the superbowl deems it necessary to wow-ify those as well. It is like the idea of the halftime show is suppose to be so amazing that it will keep you enthralled long enough to not leave the stadium, change the channel or go get a life. You cannot expect the second half to be better than the halftime show. It doesn’t work. You don’t eat dessert in the middle of dinner, you dont get the conclusion of a movie in the middle, you don’t have an hour of great sex by cumming in 30 minutes into it. It doesn’t happen.

"Marco?" as she waits for his Polo.

If you must watch, record the whole damn thing watch the 2nd half then the halftime show. You’ll be saving yourself alot of trouble. Besides, when they start having half time shows this interesting, why would you want to see Janet’s crusty nipple?

I just believe if that men are getting on a field in a face off, I want casualties. Make it interesting and make it a mine field. Put that shit on pay per view, give em’ weapons. Put a explosive in the football that goes off when tackled, I can see it now, “THE 30, 20, 10…..OOOOOO… that’s what I call a last down!” Half time show can be recaps, If you lose, the survivors have to work for the new team. Replacements. That’s how You keep it going, introduce new teams as needed. Rednecks will volunteer like a motherfucker, just tell them it ‘merican and they are doing it for their country.

Besides football is actually for pussies, they wear pads, teeth guards and all this safety shit, watch some Rugby. That’s a real tackle and they STILL hold the ball, none of this fumbling shit.