As you can prob see frm the pic in the side bar, the trip to Florida was nuts.
I flew into Fort Lauderdale, which according to Ricky was “10 minutes from my house”.
As I landed I phoned him and said pick me up! I got out of the terminal for him to say, go upstairs, I’m on the highway above you. Jerk.
Anyway, as I already established, this was “10 minutes from my house”. We ended up taking the scenic route, via roads that are made of dirt. According to Ricky, “this trip will be a learning experience” (of probably how to drive). However equipped with my Tmo Wing, I looked up Google maps and started to get us in the right direction. Once we hit a main road Ricky decided he was hungry and was looking for Denny’s (probably one that is less than 10 minutes from his house, which we should not be looking for but driving to).
At this point the heavens opened and it quickly changed from a sunny, hot, humid day to a rainy, hot, humid day. None of these fair well on me as my underwear quickly became swimming trunks on a waterslide. After all this trip is a “learning experience” and learning how to deal with swamp ass should definitely come in the Welcome to Florida brochures alone with the Don’t Swim in the Green Water Because You Will Get Eaten Brochure and Sand Crabs, If You Go to The Beach At 2 AM Drunk, Your Fucked Brochure.
So we locate Denny’s after phoning into “Breaker one-nine” and being told to “swing a lefty”. We arrived to see an employee who does not give a fuck about her job, but made an awesome waitress. She suggested a breakfast skillet to which I said Yea! Ricky enjoyed his nachos, which were fucking huge by the way. After I finished my 3 Pineapple Dream we shuffled to the register so I can experience my first power outage. O yes I said FIRST power outage.
We then made our way to Casa De Awesome-O.
Where Ricky lives is quite different from Brooklyn. No buildings over 1 floor, only pastels, not alot of sidewalk, and coconut trees. And roosters don’t forget the roosters. Everyone down there has a fruit stand in their front yard. I think that’s how old people retie, move to Florida and sell fruit.
My man servants gave me my coconut and introduces me to the family pet. So we pull up and I get to meet the largest fucking dog I have ever seen. A English Mastiff name magnum. I swear, you can ride this dog. This is the type of dog that walks you. You feed this thing babies. Oh, did I say he was a puppy. Puppy my ass that dog looks 40 in human years.
So I got to meet my surrogate parents and my new little sister and even got to do errands. We went to what was like a carneceria but not called that because they are Nicaraguan and not Puerto Rican. Meat was cheap, even the Garcia Sausage. I charge by the pound ladies. And because Florida water sucks, I saw my first water vending machine. You need to provide your own plastic bottle by the way, and it is by the gallon. We also picked up our case of Coors Light which we drank for this entire week.
Later on we got Dad (His name is Ricky but for the sake of not confusing us lets call him Dad) to drive us to South Beach. Now this place looks familiar to me, it actually looks like a city. I should say it looks familiar because I played GTA: Vice City. Once I got there I asked where the main hotel from the Game is. Apparently it was on the other end of the strip. We headed over to a place called Wet Willies.
Drinks that are slurpees is pretty much the game. The weapon of choice was something called Call-A-Cab. From their site: “Call a Cab® The name says it all. The grain house specialty. Made with Grain Alcohol* ( 153° or 190° ). Try with Shock Treatment or Attitude Improvement and Sex on the Beach ( Triple Play ). Very Strong.” There is a rule of you don’t have more than 3 without calling one. Ricky wanted to test this. We grabbed our first one’s which we drank on the spot and decided to have the second to go. I think. This night was very fuzzy so bear with me.
We walked around and I got some photos in. Even one of a coconut just chilling in the street. If I was homeless, Id aim at Florida. Least you can’t be hungry. I went to the beach and tried to bury our empty cups to find later. I think it was about this time I realized the Drinks are fucking strong. I think we got a 3rd and came back. Either that or we went for the walk after the 3rd. I was drunk. The pictures make me think we went to the beach after the third. I know I finished Ricky’s 3rd. So I was pretty fucked up with 3 1/4 Call-A-Cabs (call an ambulance) under my belt.
I had hopes of going to a place called El Perro with some awesome ass hotdogs. We called Ricky bro and he came to join us for a drink and to drive us home. By then I was blitz but still had hopes of still going for grub. Ricky wanted me to have another call a cab. I said no but It was already too late. I did order monkeyshine with a chocolate something to make a thing similar to a chocolate covered banana. His family showed up to order their call a cabs and some food and I went to the bathroom.
I took a piss, which proved to be a feat. While there someone knocked on the door because they had to use it. This was a big bathroom, handicap accessible at that, but only a toilet and a sink. I shifted towards the sink and a Dominican dude said I’m good to lean by the sink. He said it was obviously my first time there and figured I had call a cabs. He asked where I was from. I said Brooklyn and staying with friends. I don’t remember his name but he did say he lived in NY for a few years and that he was Dominican. He said for me to enjoy the rest of my night and that if he sees me again he will reintroduce himself cause I’m probably not going to remember.
Ricky showed up sometime later and that’s when I started puking. I remember him saying to take my hands out of the sink but I needed to move the chunks for the water to go down. We made our way to the bar so I could sit down. Bouncer at some point said I can’t be there like this so I remember getting moved outside. Apparently there is an alley next to wet willies and I sat there for a while. That might be where I was robbed and beaten. Actually Ricky tried lifting my chunky ass by my arm, but same thing. I remember Wills GF being a sweetheart. Then again anyone willing to take care of someone when they are drunk the first time they meet them is awesome in my book.
They wanted to get me in his car (The Bat Mobile) so I can get home. Only thing I remember since even before getting to Florida was YOU DO NOT PUKE IN THE BAT MOBILE. I think I said it a few times. At some point Will said fuck it I have a hose. Did I mention people who take care of you drunk the first time they meet you are friends for life?
Made it home without losing it in the bat mobile, where Ricky helped me to the bathroom where I changed clothes and Dad laughed at me. I remember crashing out to the sounds of Kat Williams and laughter. They rock. This was just my first night there. And yes there is more to report. Then I was robbed and beaten.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
you left out the part where i had 4 call a cabs plus the drink u couldnt finish.. what can i say, i set records. By the way, his name is Walter, not will, but you were drunk so it’s excuseable.
I set records, bitch!