While my trusy sidekick wallows in his own madness, I’m going to be reporting on some insanity of my own. It seems that the Hollywood Remake Machine has gone after yet another of my childhood memories.
First it was the abismal Texas Chainsaw Massacre Remake and the steaming pile of meh that was its prequel sequel. Then came the abortion of a movie which was Rob Zombie’s Re-Imagining(what did we say about making up words?) of Halloween. And just when I thought that things couldn’t get any worse when I heard that the Comic Con announced Friday the 13th film was going to be remake, comes the news that my beloved A Nightmare on Elm Street will also be joining its horror icon brethen in being remade. God, for freaking, dammit. Now before I spiral into fanboy rants, and trust me, I will, this news is even moreso distrubing than any of the afforementioned remakes. Leatherface and Micheal Myers hide behind masks, okay. The roles have been taken on by different actors all throughout the series. It doesn’t make these remakes any less repulsive, but it is an easier transition for a fan like myself. When dealing with a mute villain, the attention of the remake falls squarely on the actors and the director’s ability to tell a story. As for the Friday the 13th Remake, Jason did not have a prominent role in the film and only makes a brief appearance at the very end. The only big name actor of the original was at the time no-name Kevin Bacon and I think his career peeked with Footloose. And herein lies the true horror of the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake. There is a rumor that Robert Englund will not be playing Freddy Krueger. Even more disturbing, speculations point to Angelina’s Jolie’s ex-husband as being cast as the classic slasher icon. That’s right. Bad Santa himself. This has to be a load of horseshit, right? This isn’t some faceless actor New Line is replacing. It ‘s fucking Freddy Krueger. And to replace him with someone as old as Thorton? Why wouldn’t Englund slip on the glove for a remake? It wasn’t so long ago he was back to his old nighmare hijinks in Freddy vs. Jason.
I really don’t see the need for a remake. And if Englund is not Krueger, then New Line shouldn’t even bother. A Nightmare on Elm Street was perfect in every way. Its humble 80’s origins only lend to its charm. No amount of budget could recreate that level of awesome.
I will see this film. I don’t know if I’ll pay to see it in theatres, but I will see it; I stopped paying for movie tickets to horror films after House of 1000 Corpses(thank you again, Mr. Zombie). Despite all my aggression, I will give it a chance. Even though it seems that Michael Bay will be directing,(ugh) I will still see this film. And if Johnny Depp can get his hands off of Tim Burton’s dick for two fucking seconds, let’s have cameo. You’ve done it before, John. I know your secret shame…
Don’t worry, Breckin Myer. I know it’s a nightmare but your time will come. I have two words for you: Robot Chicken.
